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"Sometimes I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then."

I should be reviewing for my economics exam tomorrow but here I am, surfing the net and all. Anyway, I need to vent out what I'm thinking about activism and apathy. Crap, I haven’t finished some of my articles that I’ll be posting next here in my blog.

I joined a mass organization when I was in first year. I was inspired by my sister who studied in Diliman. If I may consider, I recruited myself in that organization because I was the one who talked to them about me wanting to join their organization. Yeah, I was rare, they seemed to be curious at the same time astounded upon hearing my request if they could orient me coz I really want to join. So there we were in their old tambayan. They began indoctrinating me about their political line and ideology which came as a culture shock for me. I came from a conservative family; my father was super strict and my mother is quite conservative (a good combination,eh?. And as you might have guessed, I was locked inside the box where reality is far from my reach. I must mention here that I used to cry at the sight of a beggar wandering the road and scenes like that. Since I wasn't really aware of the real world, I was deterred to help them coz I'm not yet in the right position (you know what I mean, I don't have money yet to give them and all). Poverty was a natural thing to me that time. Some people are just lazy while some are not. Or probably, I was thinking that equality is a myth. Activism needs a strong and firm conviction because reality bites. Reality is harsh. Sometimes I even think that apathy comes in when people are not that brave enough to understand the reality and care for others. Some people are not apathetic per se. It's just that they're afraid to go out of their comfort zone and see the 'reality' of life. Maybe it's just a matter of perspective. Apathy is not just apathy. It is shape by many factors.

Activism is viewed by some people as a shallow, linear and devoid concept or it is just an activity (to some). To others, it maybe just a phase in their life. It's a focal point for their active engagement or involvement in the society that has nurtured them. Or maybe at some point, some realize that it is a cycle. It entails contradiction: within yourself (internal) and outside (external). When people started caring, I think that's where activism comes in. We are all activists in our own way, we just don't notice. To be a member of a mass organization or progressive organization is not a prerequisite to becoming an activist. You join such organization when you want to be guided by a political ideology and a principle.

Activism, for me, is an act of actively involving yourself in different issues. Say if you care so much about the environment then you could be tagged as an environmental activist. If, just like myself, you want to be active more on politics and social issues then you could be considered as a political or social activist. UP is known to be the cradle of activism in the Philippines. And I was clueless what my college years in UP would be like. Before I enter UP, I was advised by my paranoid father that I shouldn’t join mass organizations. Being the submissive girl that I am, I assured them that I will do as they say. I admit, I hate my father for many reasons, but my membership doesn’t mean rebellion on my part.

Activism is not fun. You need to sacrifice (time, money, even your family). Little sacrifice means big to the organization and to the greater cause of serving the people. Yes, I don’t attend my class at times when the need arises. I don’t make good papers, I always flunk in quizzes (especially in econ), and I was never a good speaker (and I hated recitations). But for me, what I did and what I will do is always justifiable. It’s a matter of perspective. If you view that as laziness, it means sacrifice on my side. I enjoy learning, inside and outside the classroom. I like hearing different opinions from my classmates and most of all, I love thinking. In fact my ultimate dream is to be a political thinker. I once thought of formulating an idea that could make a great impact to the whole world (yes it may sound ambitious to you, but I believe that all things are possible), but for now I guess I have to pass my exam tomorrow. Impossibility is when you give up on trying achieving something.

I was shaped by the things around me. What was done to me created me. I was ‘exposed.’ And I chose to serve. When reality is presented to you, you could have two diametrically opposed reaction; one is to deny it and the other is to accept it and act. The first one is apathy and the latter is activism.

Many times I find myself questioning why I have to explain myself. I have to, not only because it’s considered liberalism (based on our ideology), but because I chose to. It’s also a matter of preference or choice. And activism is also like that.

My petty bourgeois tendency: ‘Sometimes I wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then.’ Playing safe is pathetic, but sometimes you feel the urge of going back to where you came from-your bourgeois orientation and way of living. I am not here to please anyone. Activism is not only excelling in class, it also needs excellence in serving the people. So whenever I feel demoralize because of counter-activism opinions, I go back to the primary reason why I chose this path. I am here because of the masses. I am not a savior and I could not liberate them. But I want to be an agent of change to achieve genuine liberation and equality (if such concept is true).


(I am entitled to my own opinion, you may agree or disagree but that's just natural. This world is full of contradictions anyway.)