...and i hate when things are over

I woke up this morning at 6:57 due to a recurring nightmare. Today is my flight to Cebu to attend a National Conference of Student Leaders. Last night, I was really feeling weird that I even cry. Perhaps, I am just tired.

For some strange reasons, I don't want to go to Cebu anymore. There are many things left undone.Sigh. I am so tired yet I want to do things because no one might do them. Also, I feel soooo alone. When I opened my friendster account this morning, I checked my profile to (re)read some testimonials from my friends, blockmates and important people in my life. I do this whenever I want to boost my ego because my (severe)inferiority complex is manifesting itself since last night. At some point, we all feel this way, I know. Maybe I just need company. As of the moment, Im the only person awake in our house. I haven't eaten breakfast yet because I don't have the appetite to eat. The song At the Beginning is playing--this time I think for the 10th time. The sun is now reunited with the sky, bright as ever. Sadness is oppressive. I hate it.

My days are usually tiring but still I try to find time to laugh, rest and chat with my friends. As you might have guessed, I am currently experiencing an ideological struggle. I know oppression is evident, poverty is widespread and equality remains to be a myth. But really, is there still hope? As I see it, only those who are well-off remains to be optimistic about our current political and economic situation. Have you even heard of a millionaire committing suicide because he feels hopeless for the Philippines? Of course that'll be absurd. They have more in life hence they have more options. Given the situation in our country, they are least affected. Besides, they can always opt to live somewhere better than the Philippines. (mind you, Philippines is number 87 in the ranking of the top 100 livable countries around the world). Im on the verge of collapsing. (of course not in the literal sense) Seriously, do you think there's still hope?

Anyway, there is a transpo strike today. The senate will soon decide on the UP Charter. On Saturday will be the anniversary of the passage of the tuition increase in UP (of course, there is no reason to celebrate this due to its many implications not only in terms of student enrollment but also to education sector as a whole). There are so many issues at hand that sometimes I feel confuse which to prioritize. Yes I know that local issues are manifestations of the bigger national issues.However, there are instances when one is given heavy premium while the other is left out. I wish I was Superman--this way I could attend to things easier, faster and at the same time.

Criticisms. Why do I always have to explain myself if I prefer to do this and that?--This is the line I throw at people whenever my mouth is tired to speak and when I don't feel like explaining. However, there are times when you need to speak up and explain things to people (closed minded people, you bet) to enlighten them or at the very least defend yourself. I love many things about being part of the council. For one, your social network expands. You meet different people, interact with them, debate with each other while waking up your braincells. Some of my friends and acquaintances are both politically and culturally diverse (and include their economic status as well which varies, too). I have friends who are weird, kikay, nerd, geek, apathetic, religious, gay, artist...everything you could think of. But even if we may differ in many ways, we have converging interests. I have met different government officials and even became friends with some of their staff. Usually, the speakers in our congress are senators and I will be meeting more of them in Cebu (which will include Mr. Artemio Panganiban, Sen. Madrigal, Sen. Roxas and many more.)Some may argue that you need a large social network to win in student council elections and any type of election for that matter, which I think is partly right. But also, a large social network is an offshoot of being a member of the council. HOWEVER, the thing I hate most about being a student leader is the part where you hear criticisms from people who don't even know a tenth of you and your life. Criticisms are sometimes good in order to develop and better yourself. Criticisms based on hatred is another story.Definitely, we can always argue that we can never please everyone so it's ok and normal to have people stabbing your back, (I remember a line from Eminem which says "Back stabbers are only powerful when you got your back turned.") but in my case, I really feel bad. I wouldn't want to have enemies and I find it difficult to sleep when someone's mad at me or when I hate someone. Sometimes I even hate the idea of party lines. I never wanted a political rival or opponent. I never dreamed of people staring at me funny just because I belong to a different party. I only wanted to serve.

17days more before the year ends. Often, we try to assess the year and make a resolution on what we'll do next. In other words, what will be our frame of mind and attitude in the coming year. As for me, I have yet to list the things I will aim to accomplish next year. I am looking forward to enjoying my stay in Cebu even if I know that, like usual Conferences, it's going to be very tiring.

I would also want to take this opportunity to thank people in my life (just in case I die today or any time soon).

Thanks to my blockmates who are always there to help and understand me. Thanks to my closest friends who often hear me rant and rave but still listen to me. Thanks to my orgmates who are there to offer assistance whenever Im tired of schoolworks. Thanks to my professors who have given me knowledge of the real world. Thanks to my friends whom I can always count on. Thanks to those who broke my heart and to those who are trying to mend it. Thanks to my one good friend who knows almost everything about me.Thanks to my family. Thank you!

Thanks for the memories I will cherish forever.
This year is one of the best I've ever had. I will forever be grateful to everyone.